Yeah… How you guys doing? Hello Winnetka! You guys look great! – Especially you, Dear… So, where are you from? Chatsworth!. That’s cool! I like it when people say it with pride! Chatsworth! I did a show in the San Fernando Valley the other day. I asked a guy where he was from and he says very proudly: Reseda!
You’re God dam right! When Tom Fuckin’ Petty mentions your city in a song! take pride fuckers!
I did a wedding reception in Michigan – and I did the “where ya from” thing and a guy jumps up, pumps his fist and yells: Pine Knob! …I’m like, relax dude, they didn’t name it after you! Not as much pride for the ladies though- no. Second show, I asked a lady where’s she from? She hangs her head… Pine Knob, all embarrassed. And of course, I’m no help. Oh, you’re a Pine Knobian! You dirty little girl!
My agent, Charlie, books me at these resorts that were comedy hot beds (pauses) in the 30’s! For the longest time I thought a Borscht Belt held up your dungarees! Charlie is so old. (waits for the audience to respond “How Old Is He?”) He says, I’ll be the next Lon Chaney when silent films make their comeback! He’s so old – He pitched Mark Twain to do stand-up at the Last Supper! (counts with his fingers the generation gap) I gotta keep math out of my jokes!
He booked me in the worst fucked-up city name of all – in Maine.
I had a gig at a place called Dixville! No kidding, look it up!
I was booked at a hotel in a nearby town. I met a cool lady. We hit it off, and I thought I’d like her to come to my show with me, so I says: I’d like to take you to Dixville! That girl was like Bruce fuckin’ Lee with the pepper spray! “Wakkow”!
Yeah, but today’s already been good. It was a wild night! I got up early. I was with a beautiful lady… And we were not that familiar with each other… (looks around) It happens! I was making coffee. She says… Oh, you’re a morning person. She looked at me like I was a Reagan Republican! -Yes, my jokes are ripped from today’s headlines. If you are a morning person, I guess that’s somehow admirable! “Yeah, I’m a morning person”! For us morning persons, there’s great pride in it. I (looks around). I get up at five o’clock in the morning! – Those people who aren’t morning people… do exactly the same thing I do, but at another time! She was not a morning person; she thinks it’s meaningless. So she says, okay, you could be here with me, in this comfortable bed, doing something unspeakable to me, and you’d rather “greet the day”?
And not having had my first cup of coffee yet, I come up with the old “Well, today is the first day of the rest- You mean the thing with the Icy Hot and the pop rocks? She nods – I think I’ll let tomorrow be the first day of the rest of my life! Yeah, I described us as not that familiar with each other because I had to keep us talking to each other at a minimum. Early on she started saying weird shit! You know… Newly invented words. I hate that shit! You want an example? (audience responds positively) We were walking a few blocks to get breakfast, and a homeless hobo hits us up for money. I keep walking, I’m starving. She says – Give the man five bucks, he’s un-housed. I said he’s what? Un-What? Jeez. Well, he’s going to have to wait because – I’m un-baconed! C’mon, let’s go, I’m hungry, that guy is fine, he’s living in a very nice refrigerator box, looks like a kenmore elite! She says it was a Refrigerator box, but he Re-purposed It. He did what to it??? Re-What?? Jeez! Who’s inventing these words?
You guys are a lot of fun… Yeah… This stand-up thing is a lot of fun. A lot of fun…. – Not a lot of money! Some of you guys in the back know what I’m talking about. We comedians need to try to spend less than we make. But it’s hard, we gotta pay nine dollars a drink just like the rest of ya. The secret is not to drink your check! One time here when it was my turn to buy for the other comedians, I spent $150.00 on pizza, $200 on drinks and 50 dollars on a hooker… What? You didn’t think I was going to cheap out on the pizza, did you? So I spent about 500 dollars that night, I think? – the problem is – it was open mike night! (counts on his fingers the financial discrepancy) It caused a little imbalance in the ledger, people. … (has to explain the joke) See so, you don’t get paid for open mike night, (tapers off) so the… I gotta keep math out of my jokes! But yeah, there are perks. There’s a certain celebrity with being a stand-up. “Hey Jim, who’s that drunk over there?” That’s no ordinary drunk, that’s Robert Holiday – he’s a stand-up!” “Oh well, that’s different! Let’s go say hi and get a selfie”!
Yeah all that alcoholic, living in your brother’s garage, piece a crap car, getting pepper sprayed at speed dating, All that loser shit gets washed away! Cuz, he’s a stand-up!
But with today’s technology, that’s all changed, hasn’t it? withe the internet, I’m a guest comic on podcasts and round tables and shit and, a lot of times I’m sitting-down! So calling me a stand-up doesn’t work, does it? Hey Jim? Who’s that drunk over there? Oh, that’s no ordinary drunk, that’s Robert Holiday – he’s a sit-down! A sit-down? What does he do shit? “Sit-down comedian” is not trending!
Well, my time’s about up, kids… Charlie’s waiving me off anyway; he doesn’t like scatological humor. Charlie’s been an agent since 1932. Yeah, (counts on his fingers the unlikelihood in years) I gotta keep math out of my jokes, being a talent agent has been a gold mine for the old fucker! Yeah, he drives a hybrid now! He does! It’s a wheelchair, a respirator, and a defibrillator! Before I go, I’d like to invite all y’all to my next show Friday in Boyle Heights. But be careful… Boyle Heights has so much crime, the pigeons wear bullet-proof vests! What? What? I didn’t steal that joke. I re-purposed it!
